A Semi-Ode to the Semiquincentennial

And so the American semiquincentennial whimpers to a close. Anticlimax hangs awkwardly over the National Mall. I wouldn’t be surprised to see it arrested for attempted algae vandalism before the week is out.

It’s a significant milestone—250 years. Or it should be. I have no real expectation of seeing the 300th in 2076, so this was it. 

But—really? That was it? How is anyone, of any political leaning, pleased with this colossal let-down? 

A UFC fight only available to subscribers of a certain streaming service—one that featured an idiot spouting racist conspiracy theories from the White House lawn.

A giant state fair that at least 20% of US states declined to participate in. Countless reports point to seriously underwhelming crowd sizes.

The official bipartisan America250 committee that Congress established in 2016 finds its coffers plundered and many of its plans waylaid by the Trump-centric Freedom 250.

Instead of focusing on patriotic imagery, official documents and semiquincentennial signage feature Trump’s scowling strong man visage.

Speeches by government officials are peppered with terms like libtard and campaign-style rhetoric attacking political enemies.

And of course, none of this is accidental. Ahead of the July 4th festivities, Trump promised “the most spectacular TRUMP RALLY of them all.”

So no one could possibly be surprised that this administration would be supremely uninterested in a nonpartisan celebration that focuses on the country and our history, as opposed to the guy whose greatest aspiration is to slap his name on massive buildings that definitely aren’t compensating for any perceived shortcomings. 

But the music—good heavens! The music. 

As soon as the government social media accounts announced the lineup for the musical artists said to headline the concert series, the drop-outs began to trickle in. It all culminated with C+C Music Factory frontman Freedom Williams shooting and releasing a video from his toilet in which he defended his decision to perform because it pays much better than not performing. Historians will no doubt view this shitting-and-ranting video as a microcosm for Trump’s second term.

So acts like Morris Day and the Time, Martina McBride, and Bret Michaels dropped out and distanced themselves from the event, with the common talking point that they didn’t realize this was put together by the Trump committee, not the bipartisan America250 group.

Who did perform? Lee Greenwood, of course. Kash Patel’s girlfriend. Vanilla Ice was one of the few remaining artists to remain on the ticket, but his performance was canceled due to inclement weather.

Is anyone else overwhelmed by all this underwhelm? 

American music is listened to around the world. 

For a hundred years, countless superstars have hailed from the United States. The biggest of big names: Bruce Springsteen, Dolly Parton, Bad Bunny, Taylor Swift, Madonna, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Lady Gaga, Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, “Weird Al” Yankovic. 

They’re all American. They’re all icons. But the biggest name to celebrate the United States is Vanilla Ice—and even he gets canceled. Were the Costco Guys booked?

And what does it say about the state of the union when the guest list for Stephen Colbert’s Late Show finale is undeniably stronger than what the federal government managed?

Of course, surprise fails to rear its ugly head. Donald J. Trump is toxic and has a history of poisoning whatever he touches. And these potatoes are miniscule. The damage he’s done to our standing in the world and among our allies is much graver than his characteristic bungling of the anniversary.

Still, one can’t help but engage in a bit of what if. I realize that American politics has been changing for a long time, and the devolution was simply accelerated when Trump rode down that tacky golden elevator in 2015. But even so, if I look back at all the presidents of the past 50 years or so, I think every single one, on either side, would have done their best to keep partisan politics out of the celebration. 

With the obvious exception of the eternally juvenile occupant of the Oval Office, who can’t even keep hateful messages out of holiday social media posts.

For a president who craves pomp and pageantry and a political party that delights in performative patriotism, it all feels shockingly small.